Directed by Joone
Rated R
Staring Jesse Jane as Jules, Carmen Luvana as Isabella, Evan Stone as Captain Edward Reynolds & Tommy Gunn as Captain Victor Stagnetti.
So you are adding to your Netflix queue one afternoon and under the “Action & Adventure” section you spy a movie simply titled Pirates. The cover art looks great, it is given the ubiquitous R rating and seems to have the same feel as the popular Pirates of the Caribbean films of late. You might think that it would be worth checking out. There is more you should know.
First of all this movie does in fact take cues from the blockbuster movie Pirates of the Caribbean. It is not done in an overly sarcastic way, more of an homage to those films. But that is where their similarities stop.
What becomes painfully obvious as you watch the movie is that this is an honest to goodness full story line featuring adult stars without any real adult scenes. These are adult movie stars in the sense that these actors do the hokey pokey on film regularly, but there is no hokey pokey shown in this movie. The viewer would not necessarily know that this movie uses LA’s finest because Netflix and Blockbuster do not rent overly sexy films and this is in fact a tame version of the racier full version sold elsewhere.
So it is an adult movie with no porn in it, therefore removing the “adult” from adult movie and changing it into a….movie. Even though no wang chungs are seen in this version of the film, it still has adult actors and the viewer does not exactly get lost in the characters. Typically these individuals are not judged strictly on their acting, but remember with no sexy time that is all you get to see.
The viewer ends up becoming a plot archeologist. You find yourself discussing with others in the room what might have been cutout where and when the soundtrack may have been altered. Looking for the missing pieces may be a fun game for parties, but not something to watch with overly serious mindset.
The film does have fun costumes, a wide range of regional accents that the actors do not try to hide and a lighthearted feel about it. What it does not have is Oscar winning acting, an engaging plot or anything that would tip it out of the R rating.
Overall this is a lavish evolution in film making for many of these actors. See it if you know who these people are or would like a steamy romance with a Pirate theme. Don’t see it if you think is has anything to do with Disney or if you want to see the sexy hokey pokey.
6/10 Sexy Tiki Heads